11.1.16

I can do this
People tell you to just, suck it up. Let it go. Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. But is that really how it works? Can something that upsets me so deeply... can I just let it go like that? And something makes me break down, how am I supposed to just, get over it? Pain, and loss and hurt and depression, it demands to be felt. And I feel it. I feel it a lot. I don't want to. But if there weren't any bad things, then there wouldn't be good things. They'd all just be things.

It's hard to let yourself go through this. And to just feel it. You don't want to. But when you fight it and shove it back - when you think it's gone but it's not, it's actually in the corner of your bedroom or hiding in your closet or it's under your bed and it's turning into a monster. A demon that swallows you up and eats you. Until it over takes you. Then there's no you. There's just... meh.

It's hard. Crazy. Like, how do I get through this? How do I stop myself from sinking under without depriving myself? Without burying it and making it bigger?

Maybe there are some people out there who can put a smile on and make it look like they're not breaking, but I'm not built like that. I have to break. And I've been broken so many times that sometimes I wonder if I'm fully healed. But you know if you break a bone it heals back stronger. And maybe because I've been broken so many times, maybe I'm stronger. Maybe what I'm feeling now, won't feel so bad later. Maybe I can do this.

I can do this.

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