2.6.15

This is the last time. I swear.
Hey.

You don't really deserve a letter. You don't even deserve a nod of recognition. You don't deserve anything (from me).

I wanted you to be something for me. I wanted you to be the right person - I wanted you to fill me up - but you aren't. You didn't. Won't. Never will. Some days it gets so hard to convince myself of that. As time goes on, and you demonstrate what you feel - or what you lack to feel - it gets easier. When you started dating HER, I forgot how to breathe. I cried. I fell to my knees in the shower and sat there for too long. You were the only thing on my mind for weeks. It was so hard to get over you. Nothing happened, but you're a sure person, which made me feel sure.

But I guess if you hadn't picked me up only to throw me down and shatter me on the floor... it could've been worse. You could've stolen my heart completely. You could've fought with me. You could've given me millions of precious moments to haunt when you left. And because God took you away before you could damage me permanently, I've become a better person. You taught me that the world is full of jerks, and that you just happened to be one of them.

I'll be more careful next time. Keep my heart locked in the right place until it's time.

You know, I could've sworn you told me I made you happy. And whenever I think about that first night, I cringe and want to cut off my fingers. I can't listen to Sweater Weather or Wide Awake anymore. I can't look at you without hoping you'll look back and return my gaze.

Why did you do this to me? Why did you think it was okay?

I don't want God to save you. I want you to rot in hell. But it's time to move on. It's time to let you go - something I should've done a long time ago.

Before that happens though, let me just tell you that for the short time you were in my life, you made me happy. You made me smile and laugh. You made me sing and dance. You filled me with warmth and light. And I felt radiant. I felt so good.

But I could never say the right thing to you. I wasn't satisfactory in anyway. I was... droppable.

Some days I hate you. Most days I don't. I think what I feel is a longing. My mind says we could've been something magical. Which is one of the biggest lies its ever told me. The truth of the matter is, I'm better off without you. I'm a better person without you. There's someone better out there for me, and when I find them, you'll never cross my mind ever again.

I'm glad things turned out this way. I'm glad you're gone.

You are missing out on something special.

I can forgive you, but I will never forget.

xx

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